My story and your story are probably not too different in many regards. There are likely some similar feelings, the differences come down to a matter of the problem areas, and the extent or “severity.” (Though I really don’t like that word in relation to this topic.)
I briefly mentioned in my initial post, but since the 5th grade I’ve struggled with my self-image, self-esteem, self-worth, and confidence. When I say I struggled I don’t mean like that scene in Mean Girls where they stand in front of the mirror attempting to one up each other with each “dislike” they have.
I mean a true disliking. An avoidance and sometimes a hatred for mirrors, because if I looked for too long I’d tear myself apart without even pausing to realize how mean I was being to myself mentally/emotionally. Constantly comparing myself to others and berating myself because I wasn’t like them when or how I thought I probably should be or how I wanted to be. Some nights wishing it was possible to just wake up one day and look exactly like I always wanted to. Wishing I could change part by part of my body: my nose, my voice, my smile, my thighs, my breasts, my skin, my skin color, my hair.
My personality, oh how I struggled with this one for so long! Luckily it’s no longer under attack, except on the rare occasion. But I wished I was less quiet, more outgoing, more easily sociable, bolder, less “manly” and more “girly.” More this, more that, but essentially I often just wished I was less me. I’ve always been and felt very “different” from most people I know. I struggled with this for the longest time, thinking that being so different was a bad thing. I know it’s not. I still greatly struggle with appearances, when I say it’s been a long standing issue I mean I did all junior high, high school, college, and after college to now. I mean I’m 27 and some days I feel as devastated as the young girl I once was.
At this point you may be wondering “how does this connect to my story?” Because we all at some point don’t feel good enough, don’t feel attractive, or like we fit- like we are too different. But we shouldn’t feel this way… at all, ever, and I genuinely mean that and believe it. I know this is a big, big, big task to attempt to fix. But I know I need to for myself and I want to help whoever else I can in the process. I genuinely want to let others know they aren’t alone in this struggle and it’s not unusual, it doesn’t make you damaged or mental or crazy.
So today I leave you with this song. I’m not typically a sap but man oh man it hit me hard right in the feels! When I heard it today, I’ll just admit there were some water works. So hopefully it speaks to you just like it did to me.
Until next time…